She is in my trunk
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
