Need sex. Gaining weight.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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