if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
