peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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