I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
