all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
