legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
