I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
