Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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