wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
