you're like a bully in the Christmas story
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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