I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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