she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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