You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
