Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
