Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
