dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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