And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
