I got chris browned last night
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
should my penis look like a turkey
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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