I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
