cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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