We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
