Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
