Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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