I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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