tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
