The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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