Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
