This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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