I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
