I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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