I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
