What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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