The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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