Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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