I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
