There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize