Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
