"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
