I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize