At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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