FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
