are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
