Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
