The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
