OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
