worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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