I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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