i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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