you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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