My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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