Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we're making bets on your personal life
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
