Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
