I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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