i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
