Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize