just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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