you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
