i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
