I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
