Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
