Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
ugly people sure do ruin things
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
