I got chris browned last night
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
