I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
